


Soul's Desire

by PatchworkIdeas



Series: WinterFRE 2020 [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - His Dark Materials Fusion, Light Angst, Lyra's World (His Dark Materials), M/M, deamons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22390723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatchworkIdeas/pseuds/PatchworkIdeas
Summary: Kíli is old enough to make his own decisions.(Fíli only needs to realise that, too)
Relationships: Fíli/Kíli (Tolkien)
Series: WinterFRE 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604650
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28
Collections: GatheringFiKi - Winter FRE 2020





	Soul's Desire

**Author's Note:**

> Written for prompt Nr. 58:  
> FiKi - His Dark Materials AU
> 
> On the Deamons:  
> Fíli’s Síluca is a Caracal, also known as a desert lynx. ([Have](https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.xDY7p41uAAa9fntl5oQGRAHaLH&pid=Api). [Some](https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.CkOUqfwVFdbDoTB94-oRagHaE8&pid=Api). [Pics](https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.IX52z2M3AwoPXB5wQRBU0wHaLE&pid=Api).)  
> Kíli's Sílvira is still settling, so her species is only mentioned in general rather than the exact kind as Kíli's attention isn't really on what she is currently switching between.

"What do you think you're doing?! You shouldn't be here?! You _can't_ be here!"

Fíli obviously tries his best to keep his voice calm, dry and admonishing. It might have worked - on anyone but Kíli. His older brother had become all too good at lying, sneaking around and putting his nose where it (allegedly) didn't belong - and had to build himself a poker face to match.

It's never fooled Kíli, though Fíli has tried in the last few months.  
Fíli's desperation and fear, that odd spark in his eye that invaded Fíli's gaze around the same time as he started keeping secrets, only strengthen Kíli's determination.

"You didn't think I would just let you _leave_ did you?!" And Kíli doesn't try to hide his hurt, his anger, how this betrayal cut him to the bone when he realised that Fíli was planning to leave, to break their promise, and he had to find out when Fíli was already on the freaking airship, with apparently no intention to even let him know.  
Kíli had run, leaving everything he owned behind in the process. He barely made it.  
He sneaked in with the luggage just before the airship left, Sílvira changing rapidly, agitated, keeping herself small and warning him so that he wouldn't be caught.

He couldn't afford to be caught.

"You're all I have, Fee! _We're_ all we have. Why would you do this? We _promised_!"  
He doesn't have to fake the tears, because they have been building in his throat, hot and angry and so, so hurt.  
Fíli might not have meant to take his world from him when he left, but he still did, and Kíli had more than enough time, locked in the freezing baggage compartment, to consider and ruminate on all that this meant, all this changed, if Fíli would even accept him by his side at all, what he could have done differently, what the hell he had done to deserve this anyway.

Fíli wasn't a selfish person.  
He was kind and loving and endlessly supportive of anything Kíli wanted or needed. So _why_?

He feels Fíli's Síluca curling around his Sílvira seconds before Fíli's arms wrap around him, tucking Kíli's head under his chin, stroking his hair and holding him close. He doesn't speak, though Kíli feels him hopelessly start several times, the words staying locked behind his teeth all the same.  
In the end, only Fíli's own ragged breathing and painful swallows accompany Kíli while he cries and rages and simultaneously holds his brother close and tries to hit him. Fíli doesn't let go, and Síluca curls up tighter around Sílvira's ever-changing form. His own deamon leaves claw and talon marks in her desperate attempt to hold on despite her rapidly changing form. Fíli's Síluca endures, clinging to Sílvira just as much, seemingly unwilling to ever be parted again.

When the tears have run their course and the hiccups have almost stopped, he feels Fíli trying to pull back into himself like he has the whole darn freaking last months instead of _talking_ to him like they used to and Kíli blurts out, fingers still hooked into Fíli’s jacket:  
"If you sent me back, I will follow you on foot. I don't care how far away you are, or how often you try it. I will not stay in the college without you. I will not stay _anywhere_ without you. And that's a promise." Kíli lifts his head, letting Fíli go just enough so that he can look him in the eyes, letting his rage and determination show.  
"And unlike some people, I don't break mine."

Fíli flinches, full body, for some reason still trying to hold on to that mask even while it crumbles around him.

"I promised to keep you safe." he starts, a tremble in his voice that refuses to be hidden. "And I can't do that anymore. I can't protect you." Fíli swallows, unable to look at him. Kíli has never known his brother for a coward, but apparently some things change even after a deamon settles.

"It's dangerous where I'm going. Especially with an unsettled demon. The things I found out, what they would do if they caught you..." he finally finds his eyes again, stopping the words sitting on Kíli's tongue, biting to be let out, for just another moment. He doesn't think he has ever seen his brother look so openly desperate and scared before.

" _Please_ just give me a few years. Wait until you two settle. I swear I will take you with me then, but it's not safe for you with me right now."  
The words sound odd, like there's something important there that he can't quite catch. But it doesn't change Kíli's mind.

His voice is cold, and it almost surprises himself, like Fíli's deamon is obviously surprised when Sílvira changes into a small bear, pinning her to the ground with ease, though without causing injury. Síluca tries to squirm out, but not very hard. Kíli hopes it bodes well, even as goosebumps rise all over his skin from the contact between their deamons, somehow different then whenever they played together before.

"If it's so dangerous, then you shouldn't go alone. We can wait at the college, together, and then we can leave, _together_ , like we always planned." A breath, a swallow, but he is determined and has Fíli's full attention in a way he doesn't think he has ever had before.  
"I'm not staying behind, waiting for news of your death. Together or not all."

There's that strange glint again, before Fíli's eyes slide shut, body limp in almost acceptance. Síluca is all but purring under his Sílvira, a strange counterpoint to Fíli’s last whispered attempts to change his mind.

"You aren't _safe_ around _me_ , Kíli. There are things... "

Fíli can't continue, a whine building in his throat that Kíli has never heard before.  
He doesn't have to.  
Fíli's Síluca is still purring, loud and happy and pushing herself closer to Sílvira. Kili has never seen her submit to anyone before. He can't call the way the caracal holds herself now anything but submission - on her back, baring her throat even to his now smaller fox deamon.  
Pieces fall into place.

He thinks of hands snatched back, of the sudden refusal to share the bed where they'd always talked before and fallen asleep on each other. Soap bubble fights aborted, Fíli shutting him out, again and again and again, always with that strange glint in his eyes before he hastily leaves.  
The same glint he had seen just now, when he promised he wouldn't leave Fíli.  
It hadn't been his deamon settling, or his sudden obsession with dust that had driven his brother out of the college, out of their home. This was deeper.

Kíli considers Fíli for a moment, the defeated posture, the tremble through his body, the pieces of his mask gone and scattered to the wind.  
He lets the clues settle in his mind, form the full picture, and recognizes for the first time his part in this, and how much power he holds over Fíli.  
Always has.  
It's a heady thought and he isn't quite as innocent as his brother apparently believes him to be.

Sílvira changes, the smaller fox turning into a big wolf, plopping down on Síluca just as Kíli makes his own decision.  
It feels different somehow.  
Like all the pieces settling in his heart had settled something else as well. He has a sneaking suspicion the North wouldn't be more dangerous to him than to Fíli now, and is strangely okay with it.

It feels right, all of it.

"Please," he scoffs, "as if you'd ever force me into anything I didn't want, too." Fíli flinches again, looking up.  
Kíli doesn't know what his brother had planned to say, but the words get lost when he actually looks at Kíli.  
Kíli recognises this look.  
Hope.  
There is so much to Fíli that he doesn't know now, parts he hadn't realised where there before, and Kíli feels giddy from the challenge, from knowing without a doubt he would get to strip back layer by layer and get to know Fíli down to his core all over again.

Still, some things stayed the same, would always stay the same, as much as he would enjoy exploring this new world of opportunity with Fíli.

His Sílvira licks a long stripe down Síluca's head, grooming her and curling around her, rumbling happily when she returns the favour, their two forms pressed and intertwined, no space left between them.

It's with a mix of teasing, victory and a thousand old emotions made new that he opens the door to their new future.  
Fíli never could say no to him.  
"You love me too much for that."

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](https://patchworkideas.tumblr.com/post/190444132520/souls-desire-patchworkideas-the-hobbit-all)


End file.
